The Most Selfish Thing I Do

I set up my mat 

         with two blocks, two bolsters, at least three blankets, and an eye pillow. I roll a blanket deliberately under my ankles, tuck another blanket precisely under the space below my wrists, line the bolster up with my spine, and lay back. I set a timer for 20 minutes. I put my phone on do not disturb, and I don't DO anything. I feel rebellious in these moments.

For 20 minutes a week, which I wish was more, I don’t respond. I don’t respond to text or phone calls, and mostly, I don’t even respond to thoughts in my head. I don’t try to figure anything out or solve any problems. I don’t try to stretch or strengthen my body. I don’t try to get better. I don't try to heal. I don’t try to figure it out. I don’t even try to meditate. It’s one of the things I love about restorative yoga. There is no goal. If there was one, it would be to not have a goal. And that feels very rebellious in times such as these. It's not performative, or showy. It's not even interesting to watch (unless you're a restorative yoga teacher like me and get a weird peace out of watching people rest).

While I say I don't DO anything, there actually is a lot that HAPPENS. I often sigh deeply. I release tension from my body and become more present. I release resistance from situations of which I could bring more chaos to, but instead, I learn to let go. I feel moments of true contentment.  I take deep breaths into my belly and nourish my digestive system, which turns allow me to digest ideas and situations with more efficiency. I become more alert to sensations sounds noises and textures, and I know that I'm healing my nervous system to become less reactive. 

"Just set a timer for 20 minutes and get on your mat. I don't care what you do. Maybe you just lie there for 20 minutes. You're going to feel better. Lie there and breathe. People are going to like to be around you more. You'll be more mellow. Just get on the mat. And whatever you do for those 20 minutes, just do it."
- Judith Hanson Lasater

I’m not sure exactly what happened in that pose but afterwards I found myself bored by the thought of checking my email for the 20th time. I actually wasn't interested in checking my phone at all. I knew I still needed to cook dinner and prep for the next day, but I felt no sense of rush. I felt peace and spaciousness. It seems like some kind of magic to me. So I wonder, is healing of my nervous system, being more alert and aware, gaining more compassion and empathy and sensitivity also somehow my greatest gift to the world?

"success is so subjective
that if you do not develop inner peace,
you can find yourself chasing after it endlessly.

success will continue to take on new forms,
each more tantalizing than the last,
always pushing back the finish line

don't let craving make you forget;
you are already whole"

-yung pueblo

Maybe in these moments I am actually succeeding?
Maybe I am remembering that I am whole.